BRITISH EXPAT ASSOCIATION EXCITED AT PROSPECT OF CFK'S RETURN TO GOVERNMENT

With Argentine regional elections now looming, the British Expat Association has issued a stark warning to president elect Macri regarding the continued free-floating position of the local currency, stating that unless they firmly re-take control of the peso, the country may slide into decline from it's previous grade A economic status as achieved by ex-president Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner.

"FOR THE PUEBLO"

"We are in a state of emergency. Whilst living costs have soared, blue dollar rates have mercilessly dropped into insignificance. It is estimated that an average British Expat family now has to spend upwards of US$800 to buy silverware, egyptian cotton bedding and other luxury products." Says Penelope Storkley. "That's not all, local figures suggest that sending three children to top private schools in Buenos Aires will now mean cuts in spending for expat family holidays, which may mean 5 instead of 6 trips a year, downgrading to four star accommodation and choosing less adventurous meals on the menu."

"We firmly believe the government has been ignoring the closing gap of the blue dollar, which simply shows us how short-sighted they can be" Claims Henry Buckingham-Wallace (BEA Chairman), who fears that the "Wonderful work of the last decade may soon be thrown to waste" if Macri continues to make changes that are "not carefully thought out and discussed in full with British Brigadeer Associates (BBG, a part of BEA)".

"LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL"

But the mood of the BEA may be on the cards for change with "optimism in the air", according to Rupert Sutton-Scottney, as senator-elect hopeful Christina Fernandez de Kirchner looks to make a come back to "put things right again" and "give the blue dollar back to the pueblo".
He believes that free-floating the local currency "made no sense at all" and that it was "a total unnecessary necessity as the locals don't need to travel abroad or purchase foreign products". In other matters he stated that he is  "extremely concerned" about the overhaul of the INDEC statistics bureau that Macri made in 2015, since it worked "perfectly well beforehand. The data is no longer reliable."

During the reign of Christina Kirchner, BEA made  over 25 requests for presidential audiences, all of which were denied. They hope that the current government doesn't continue to make the same mistake by alienating British minority groups, a move they warn could potentially lead to British fundamentalism or extremism (social and etiquette) in luxury neighbourhoods .

Shelly McGuinness, secretary of Royal British Horsegroups, believes that the devaluation made by Macri's government is "not the problem", and that the main issue is their continued inability and disinterest to ensure a 70% margin between the blue dollar and the official exchange rate. She believes there's "still time to achieve this margin which will surely spur the economy into growth for the foreseeable long term".

The BEA committee has voted to sanction Argentina if certain demands are not met, by banning viewing of the Queens speech over the festive period. Buckingham-Wallace hopes this will not happen and that they'll "come to their senses" soon. Locals have told BEA to fuck off.

SOUTH AMERICAN DRUG TRAFFICKERS BACKLASH AGAINST MARIJUANA LEGALISATION IN URUGUAY: “PROPOSED PRICES ARE SHARKISHLY COMPETITIVE”

Drug cartel unions going on strike?

The recent legalisation of marijuana in Uruguay has come under fire from anonymous groups claiming that private and family run illegal drug-trafficking enterprises could soon become “unviable” unless a swift reversal is made to the new law. The Uruguayan government has proposed selling the drug legally at 1 US dollar a gram, a move that sparked both anger and confusion in rival cartels, calling it "callous price fixing".

Enrique Falsetto, ex-convict and cartel head complains the government price is “unfair” and “sharkishly competitive”, and that "legalising is a big mistake" as it puts "honest drug gangs out of business".
"They want to push us out of Uruguay by strangling our business", claimed one Legarto Feliz gang member "but we're not moving without filing an orderly complaint".

Two other gangs, White Wings and Thunder Clap Beasts, have taken the case to the UN, claiming "it makes no sense just to sit around and do nothing" and that they will "fight square fistedly to knock down this jolly un-fair pricing regime”.

BRITISH EXPAT ASSOCIATION ISSUES ULTIMATUM TO ARGENTINE GOVERNMENT: "WE WON'T SETTLE FOR LESS"

Minority immigrant group The British Expat Association (BEA), yesterday issued a stark warning to the Argentine government, claiming relations could sink to an all time low unless demands are met for various benefits and luxuries for British imperialists living in the Buenos Aires capital.

“A fall in Anglo-Argentine relations could be devastating.. but we will not settle for anything less than the luxuries we have grown up with”, claims BEA founder Henry Buckingham-Walace, whose main demands include:

• Splicing the local currency into various different compounds according to social class and popularity, including official, semi official, unofficial, inexistent and BEA official privelege plus one. In line with the government they believe the underprivileged should have no access to any useful currency.
• Discounts off imported luxury British products including Royal Family memorabilia, Scotch Eggs and Beagling shoes.
• Annual holiday for a “British redcoats day” with national pride speeches and a “Charge of the Light Brigade” re-enactment on Avenue 9 Julio.
• Fairer use of the state run television channel, “Television Publica”, by including important events such as Challenge Anika, Royal Ascot Horse Whisperer and the Queens Guide to Imperial Leisure.
• A British Beefeater supermarket card for discounts off Argentine meat products.
• British Fox hunting to be approved in major parks in the capital followed by re-enactment of Pride and Prejudice. 

But with zero interest or response from any previous requests to the Argentine government, BEA associates have been looking at other ways to seek attention from ruling party officials, from charitable donations to social programs promoting education.

One such idea from comitee member Stephen Oaks is a social campaign to “teach manners to the underpriveleged.” “We believe everyone should have access to learn good manners and social etiquette. We hope the government will fund this program to give hope to Argentines suffering from poor table manners and social style disorder (SSD)”.

MAYOR SUES HIS ENTIRE TOWN, THEN SUES HIMSELF FOR BEING IN CHARGE

Guilty as charged?

An incumbent US Mayor who recently tried to sue his town and everyone in it was yesterday found sued in his basement, clutching a court order file from a 1 billion dollar lawsuit against himself. Lawrence Jefferson is considered by many an enemy of his own state, with public approval ratings that dip below the standard minus five percent benchmark, an occurence also known as iceberg rotonda syndrome which has raised doubts as to what he is even doing in public office.
In public statements he said he will continue to sue the town and himself until justice is met. "The battle has only just begun", he proclaimed.
Judge Rudy McCane said she would continue to process Jefferson's claims as long as a "yo-yo aloof" system could be kept in place. The meaning of this remains unclear although she claims to have garnered a satisfactory level of national pride in recent days.

HOT DOGS FOR VOTES SCANDAL: LOCAL POLITICIAN ESCALATES CHEAP VOTE GARNERING TACTIC

HOT DOGS FOR VOTES SCANDAL: LOCAL POLITICIAN ESCALATES CHEAP VOTE GARNERING TACTIC

Populism: Are we putting our future in the hands of this man?

The hotdog, or "choripan" has been an indispensable workhorse throughout primitive political rule, successfully driving millions of voters' decisions by enticing them with a quick meat snack and promising "a brighter future". Though yesterday locals backlashed against a current political campaign, saying it's gone "too far". Newspaper El Financiero revealed photos of candidate Enrique Malaconi campaigning "dressed as a hot dog". Political Editor Santiago Peroni claims it's "pure desperation - free hotdogs no longer working, so now they're dressing up as them?"
Fruit and Vegetable trader, Dario Rhodes, said "The government are a bunch of clowns who make fun of us. They think they can buy us with cheap trickery, or make us believe their free handouts will continue if we give our vote. But today we want them to know we won't be tricked any more. We've woken up to the smell of the 21st Century through using websites like Friendbuddy and Linkhoven".
Mr Malaca claims there was no intention for political gain in wearing the hotdog outfit, and that he'd lost his regular suit whilst scouring the park the night before. He hit back, "If I wear a hotdog outfit they call me corrupt. If I where a suit they call me a capitalist. If I wear a T-Shirt they call me a white pig", he proclaimed as he presented his new book "A Fresh Wash for Democracy".
But an angry local swordsmith claimed "I'll give him wash! HOGWASH! They're all at it you know".
Investigations are currently underway into campaign "overspending" by the ruling party, with evidence suggesting they've spent 5 million pesos on bread and sausage meat alone in the last quarter.

POWER-CRAZED EASTERN EUROPEAN MAYOR REQUIRES TOWN FOLK TO WEAR HOBBIT CLOTHING BY LAW. LOCALS CLAIM IT'S "DOWN RIGHT SCANDALOUS"

Dog Repunzel relaxes after a stressful day of work

In the quiet eastern European city of Mondavi, a new law has been brewing in the confines of one of the oldest "Drakonian" societal establishments. Town mayor Jorgen Kolovitch has set new ground-breaking standards in being the first to legally require the wearing of  Tolken's “Hobbit” clothing, applying to all local inhabitants "loitering or transiting" within the city limits, and has gone as far as to enforce a "zero-tolerance stance" for those looking to defy the ruling. The law also extends to pets such as dogs and pigs, although cats have been made exempt by clause 101.42.

The reasoning is yet unclear, although British expat waiter and ex-Olympic javelin thrower, Peter Sinclair, claims it's a way to tackle day-to-day boredom in a town with "little or nothing to do". “I came here looking for adventure after giving up a career in javelin throwing.. The new law callously only exempted cats, but I let my dog Repunzel (pictured) make a revolutionary statement  by dressing as a wizard”, said Peter in communications with the Global Independent. Peter has since been branded an "oddball", "People think I'm odd. I'm not odd. They are purely xenophobic. It's simple", although locals claim otherwise, and that he really is an odd person.

Local pro-government entrepreneur Delirio Cincinatti describes “Once our city was a place of insecurity.. Our peoples thrived on the excitement of not knowing where their next "poisson rouge" would come from. Over time normality, comfort and security has set in and life has become thoroughly boring.. but things are changing, now we can be hobbits without prejudice (HWP). We hope other normal cities will follow this gesture as our great government has done for us.”

But some locals feel that the gesture is “unfair”, "perverse" and even "down right scandalous" on those that can't afford to buy the new clothing. Special licenses have been granted for bespoke dress shops to produce and sell the specialist "hobbit" clothes, with a wapping 30% tax levy. Some fear that powerful criminal organisations such as "Zars-2-Men" could start up a new black market for illegal "un-licensed" clothing.

Local town dietitian, Pratzl Dukovny, was recently slapped with a 400 euro fine for wearing “indecent and unrelated clothing”.. He told us “My favourite character in the hobbit was Gandulf, a powerful man with many fantastic magical spell and nice beard, and so i decide to model myself on him after new law come. My wife made me clothes - a hat of finest wicker, cloak made from Swiss paper mache and an attachable beard. But for government inspectors it wasn't enough, they charged me on the grounds of unrelated, irrelevant clothing”. Pratzl went on to claim he saw a local dog dressed in the same outfit, but failed to acknowledge it was exempt from fines since being "unable" to earn a living, hence un-finable.. he claims hes just one of many with simliar stories to tell.

Human rights organisations such as St Johns Shpatzler have declared the move "Just another populist scheme from a desperate government with ailing support" following the head of state's recent announcement to open a "national hobbit fund".

But Argentine presidential hopeful, Chrisela Kirkenstein, who recently signed a trade agreement to bring sausage meat to the nations capital in exchange for West African currency notes, says she gives her whole hearted support to the regime, claiming "Anyone who challenges the governments decisions should be investigated on grounds of tax fraud, capitalism and sorcery. National betrayors must pay as they have done for centuries."