SOUTH AMERICAN DRUG TRAFFICKERS BACKLASH AGAINST MARIJUANA LEGALISATION IN URUGUAY: “PROPOSED PRICES ARE SHARKISHLY COMPETITIVE”

Drug cartel unions going on strike?

The recent legalisation of marijuana in Uruguay has come under fire from anonymous groups claiming that private and family run illegal drug-trafficking enterprises could soon become “unviable” unless a swift reversal is made to the new law. The Uruguayan government has proposed selling the drug legally at 1 US dollar a gram, a move that sparked both anger and confusion in rival cartels, calling it "callous price fixing".

Enrique Falsetto, ex-convict and cartel head complains the government price is “unfair” and “sharkishly competitive”, and that "legalising is a big mistake" as it puts "honest drug gangs out of business".
"They want to push us out of Uruguay by strangling our business", claimed one Legarto Feliz gang member "but we're not moving without filing an orderly complaint".

Two other gangs, White Wings and Thunder Clap Beasts, have taken the case to the UN, claiming "it makes no sense just to sit around and do nothing" and that they will "fight square fistedly to knock down this jolly un-fair pricing regime”.

BRITISH EXPAT ASSOCIATION ISSUES ULTIMATUM TO ARGENTINE GOVERNMENT: "WE WON'T SETTLE FOR LESS"

Minority immigrant group The British Expat Association (BEA), yesterday issued a stark warning to the Argentine government, claiming relations could sink to an all time low unless demands are met for various benefits and luxuries for British imperialists living in the Buenos Aires capital.

“A fall in Anglo-Argentine relations could be devastating.. but we will not settle for anything less than the luxuries we have grown up with”, claims BEA founder Henry Buckingham-Walace, whose main demands include:

• Splicing the local currency into various different compounds according to social class and popularity, including official, semi official, unofficial, inexistent and BEA official privelege plus one. In line with the government they believe the underprivileged should have no access to any useful currency.
• Discounts off imported luxury British products including Royal Family memorabilia, Scotch Eggs and Beagling shoes.
• Annual holiday for a “British redcoats day” with national pride speeches and a “Charge of the Light Brigade” re-enactment on Avenue 9 Julio.
• Fairer use of the state run television channel, “Television Publica”, by including important events such as Challenge Anika, Royal Ascot Horse Whisperer and the Queens Guide to Imperial Leisure.
• A British Beefeater supermarket card for discounts off Argentine meat products.
• British Fox hunting to be approved in major parks in the capital followed by re-enactment of Pride and Prejudice. 

But with zero interest or response from any previous requests to the Argentine government, BEA associates have been looking at other ways to seek attention from ruling party officials, from charitable donations to social programs promoting education.

One such idea from comitee member Stephen Oaks is a social campaign to “teach manners to the underpriveleged.” “We believe everyone should have access to learn good manners and social etiquette. We hope the government will fund this program to give hope to Argentines suffering from poor table manners and social style disorder (SSD)”.

MAYOR SUES HIS ENTIRE TOWN, THEN SUES HIMSELF FOR BEING IN CHARGE

Guilty as charged?

An incumbent US Mayor who recently tried to sue his town and everyone in it was yesterday found sued in his basement, clutching a court order file from a 1 billion dollar lawsuit against himself. Lawrence Jefferson is considered by many an enemy of his own state, with public approval ratings that dip below the standard minus five percent benchmark, an occurence also known as iceberg rotonda syndrome which has raised doubts as to what he is even doing in public office.
In public statements he said he will continue to sue the town and himself until justice is met. "The battle has only just begun", he proclaimed.
Judge Rudy McCane said she would continue to process Jefferson's claims as long as a "yo-yo aloof" system could be kept in place. The meaning of this remains unclear although she claims to have garnered a satisfactory level of national pride in recent days.