HOT DOGS FOR VOTES SCANDAL: LOCAL POLITICIAN ESCALATES CHEAP VOTE GARNERING TACTIC

HOT DOGS FOR VOTES SCANDAL: LOCAL POLITICIAN ESCALATES CHEAP VOTE GARNERING TACTIC

Populism: Are we putting our future in the hands of this man?

The hotdog, or "choripan" has been an indispensable workhorse throughout primitive political rule, successfully driving millions of voters' decisions by enticing them with a quick meat snack and promising "a brighter future". Though yesterday locals backlashed against a current political campaign, saying it's gone "too far". Newspaper El Financiero revealed photos of candidate Enrique Malaconi campaigning "dressed as a hot dog". Political Editor Santiago Peroni claims it's "pure desperation - free hotdogs no longer working, so now they're dressing up as them?"
Fruit and Vegetable trader, Dario Rhodes, said "The government are a bunch of clowns who make fun of us. They think they can buy us with cheap trickery, or make us believe their free handouts will continue if we give our vote. But today we want them to know we won't be tricked any more. We've woken up to the smell of the 21st Century through using websites like Friendbuddy and Linkhoven".
Mr Malaca claims there was no intention for political gain in wearing the hotdog outfit, and that he'd lost his regular suit whilst scouring the park the night before. He hit back, "If I wear a hotdog outfit they call me corrupt. If I where a suit they call me a capitalist. If I wear a T-Shirt they call me a white pig", he proclaimed as he presented his new book "A Fresh Wash for Democracy".
But an angry local swordsmith claimed "I'll give him wash! HOGWASH! They're all at it you know".
Investigations are currently underway into campaign "overspending" by the ruling party, with evidence suggesting they've spent 5 million pesos on bread and sausage meat alone in the last quarter.

POWER-CRAZED EASTERN EUROPEAN MAYOR REQUIRES TOWN FOLK TO WEAR HOBBIT CLOTHING BY LAW. LOCALS CLAIM IT'S "DOWN RIGHT SCANDALOUS"

Dog Repunzel relaxes after a stressful day of work

In the quiet eastern European city of Mondavi, a new law has been brewing in the confines of one of the oldest "Drakonian" societal establishments. Town mayor Jorgen Kolovitch has set new ground-breaking standards in being the first to legally require the wearing of  Tolken's “Hobbit” clothing, applying to all local inhabitants "loitering or transiting" within the city limits, and has gone as far as to enforce a "zero-tolerance stance" for those looking to defy the ruling. The law also extends to pets such as dogs and pigs, although cats have been made exempt by clause 101.42.

The reasoning is yet unclear, although British expat waiter and ex-Olympic javelin thrower, Peter Sinclair, claims it's a way to tackle day-to-day boredom in a town with "little or nothing to do". “I came here looking for adventure after giving up a career in javelin throwing.. The new law callously only exempted cats, but I let my dog Repunzel (pictured) make a revolutionary statement  by dressing as a wizard”, said Peter in communications with the Global Independent. Peter has since been branded an "oddball", "People think I'm odd. I'm not odd. They are purely xenophobic. It's simple", although locals claim otherwise, and that he really is an odd person.

Local pro-government entrepreneur Delirio Cincinatti describes “Once our city was a place of insecurity.. Our peoples thrived on the excitement of not knowing where their next "poisson rouge" would come from. Over time normality, comfort and security has set in and life has become thoroughly boring.. but things are changing, now we can be hobbits without prejudice (HWP). We hope other normal cities will follow this gesture as our great government has done for us.”

But some locals feel that the gesture is “unfair”, "perverse" and even "down right scandalous" on those that can't afford to buy the new clothing. Special licenses have been granted for bespoke dress shops to produce and sell the specialist "hobbit" clothes, with a wapping 30% tax levy. Some fear that powerful criminal organisations such as "Zars-2-Men" could start up a new black market for illegal "un-licensed" clothing.

Local town dietitian, Pratzl Dukovny, was recently slapped with a 400 euro fine for wearing “indecent and unrelated clothing”.. He told us “My favourite character in the hobbit was Gandulf, a powerful man with many fantastic magical spell and nice beard, and so i decide to model myself on him after new law come. My wife made me clothes - a hat of finest wicker, cloak made from Swiss paper mache and an attachable beard. But for government inspectors it wasn't enough, they charged me on the grounds of unrelated, irrelevant clothing”. Pratzl went on to claim he saw a local dog dressed in the same outfit, but failed to acknowledge it was exempt from fines since being "unable" to earn a living, hence un-finable.. he claims hes just one of many with simliar stories to tell.

Human rights organisations such as St Johns Shpatzler have declared the move "Just another populist scheme from a desperate government with ailing support" following the head of state's recent announcement to open a "national hobbit fund".

But Argentine presidential hopeful, Chrisela Kirkenstein, who recently signed a trade agreement to bring sausage meat to the nations capital in exchange for West African currency notes, says she gives her whole hearted support to the regime, claiming "Anyone who challenges the governments decisions should be investigated on grounds of tax fraud, capitalism and sorcery. National betrayors must pay as they have done for centuries."